Why I Love

"When you fell in love, it was so sweet

So devoted, completely swept off your feet
Love is the greatest thing our heart can know
But the hole that it leaves in its abscence can make you feel so low

And I was glad it didn't destroy you
How sad that would be
'Cause if it destroyed you
It would destroy me."

I have loved a few women in my life. This is an uncomfortable fact, for those who consider Muggins here inhuman or otherwise divergent in important ways. I'm not actually that bad a sort, and the few women who I've been with have some understanding of that. Don't worry, this isn't a catalogue of my sexual adventures, largely because it just wouldn't make the word count. This is about why I love the things I do. That includes women, men, singers and songwriters, video game sorts and filmmakers. This entire blog is devoted to the idea that it is better to love something than to hate something. Writing about why you hate something is easy, lazy and cynical. Writing about why you love something can be a challenge, as its not nearly as easy to build something up as it is to tear something down. To appear to be insightful, there is nothing easier than to be a cynical asshole. Cynicism is not however a replacement for being truly on point. It is what lazy, stupid people use to appear clever. "Oh I'm not like the rest of them! I hated that universally loved thing! And seriously look at how pleased I am with myself! What a rebel I am!"

The first woman I loved was a beautiful girl who was so kind to me. I remember I had a conversation with her about how lonely I felt. When she put her arm around me, I fell in love. Yeah, it's something that I should not necessarily be proud of, but it's the goddamn truth. I wrote songs for her - which I never forced on her in any sense - and I wrote a lot about how she made me feel. This is something I feel is missed with some modern feminist writing about how men feel that they deserve a woman to love. I recently read something incredibly bad about how a man playing the piano for a woman he loved, was full of rapey ideas, that he felt like he owned her. NO. Seriously. There is nothing fucking wrong with someone trying to be artistic and creative in order to make themselves more appealing. It's not about owning someone for god's sake. It's about trying to better yourself to make you worthy of the love of someone else. It's about honesty and open hearted love.

The art I love is a lot like the women I love. I stand by it with all my heart. I never abandon it, even when it would be far easier to say that I don't really care. I have come under some criticism for this over the years, especially with people like R. Kelly, who may or may not be a terrible human being. I personally don't believe that he's a monster, but that's not the point. Even if it is all true, I would still love his music. I don't believe that someone's worth can be expressed in such black and white terms. "If you cross this line, then we will abandon you." If my family murdered someone I wouldn't turn them in. I just wouldn't. I would stick by them and sully my own reputation for them. Because they have been with me forever, they have stuck by me through all issues and problems. I feel the same way for the artists I love. They have given me so much that keeps me going, that makes me feel like I should get up tomorrow.

I recently expressed my love for a woman who turned me down. I don't know exactly why I did it, but I did it anyway. I feel that being honest with people, even when it is embarrassing as all fuck, is a better course of action than holding everything inside and dreaming about regrets and possibilities. I haven't felt this way about a person in quite a long time, and it is a shame that it will never turn into anything. She was very kind to me, which I appreciate. I wonder what it would be like to actually be in a relationship with someone I loved, and I hope that someday, somehow I will experience it. I'm lonely as all hell, and I would be very grateful if some poor soul actually loved me.

I love the Star Wars prequels. Yeah there are a lot of problems with them, I agree. And I do believe that the new Star Wars films are superior, but I will always love those movies. I was young when I saw them first, and it stays with me how exciting and brilliant they were at the time. I still hold by the fact that Revenge of the Sith is a pretty damn good movie. I think the first two you can take or leave, but the third is something that most reasonable people would agree is a damn fine movie. I love George Lucas and will always stick by him. The Force Awakens and Rogue One are I think the best Star Wars movies ever made. They have everything I could ever want in a Star Wars picture. Particularly Rogue One! So touching and exciting and fucking stellar.

I don't know if I will ever find someone to love me, but I still have some hope. I have hope that someone, somewhere, sometime will find me appealing in the same way that I find Lost to be a powerful and uplifting thing. That someone could ever love Muggins here is something that still makes me get up in the morning. As long as I am putting myself out there, there is hope. Hell, I believe like John Locke that I am meant for something special. I hope that involves a family and a wife. If not, I'll still truck on with my music and films in my brain and hope that someday something comes along.